Cairo

On packets of dates and in glossy travel brochures they call Cairo 'Mother of the World', although they omit its other traditional names of 'Father of Traffic', 'Uncle of too much street noise in the middle of the night' and 'Grandfather of your snot turning black.'

We live on Aziz Abaza Street, a few blocks north of 26^th July, a street that runs underneath 15^th May Bridge.  The Egyptians love naming streets after the dates of dubious military victories over Israel.  We are three doors down from the Indian embassy, and two down from the wholesome-sounding Russian Information Agency, who haven’t yet invited us round for tea.

The apartment has a fabulous Nile view, where the occasional felucca or suicidal windsurfer can be seen dodging the neon-flashing party boats.  These play the latest hits at full volume, an ideal accompaniment to a romantic cruise on the river.  And it’s not just the boats – if you hire a horse and cart for a spin around Zamalek it will have booming speakers.

Of the fifty-odd shops within five minutes walk are two gun shops, two small supermarkets and a Subway – the rest sell a mix of soft furnishings and antiques.  Many sell lamps, and possibly magic carpets.

Zamalek is an old part of Cairo, and was very much not built for cars.  That hasn’t stopped the cars from trying, and the streets host the traditional Cairene traffic jam pretty much all the time, apart from at Friday morning prayer time.  Colleagues who drive to work arrive two hours late about once a fortnight after being stuck in epic traffic jams – at least that’s what they tell me.

Downstairs in our apartment building you will find the bawabs, which are a cross between doormen, bodyguards, errand boys and moral guardians, and basically run a kind of protection racket.  Opposite is a primary school, and we are awoken daily by shrill voices chanting numbers and warbling the national anthem.

Some river or other

India - Udaipur, Goa and Nasik

The main purpose of my visit to India was to attend the splendid wedding of Arradhya and Ian in Udaipur.  The wedding lasted three days, and during those three days I had neither food nor drink that was not at the wedding.  In some ways it was a gruelling experience, as Indians are tremendous boozers and I am nothing if not competitive.  I now know what an Indian Bloody Mary is - a glass of vodka with a dash of tabasco and a tot of tomato juice.

As you might imagine, my memory of the wedding is hazy, but a sure highlight was the dance-off between the friends of the groom (mostly British and malcoordinated) who attempted a crude variant of the Scottish reel the Dashing White Sergeant, and the friends of the bride who performed a beautifully choreographed and synchronised Bollywood extravanganza.

Team Honeymoon in Goa was also a highlight.  Yoga, incense, traditional healing - we didn't have time for any of those as we were too busy stuffing ourselves with shrimp curry and playing football on the beach.

From Goa I shelled out $10 to take the overnight bus to Bombay.  This sounded brilliant as you get a flat bed, and it was only when I boarded the bus that I discovered that the beds are made for 5 foot something Indians and not 6 foot something Europeans.  In Bombay I spent a happy hour going in various directions on local trains and getting not much nearer my intended destination.  In the end I somehow found myself on the train to Nasik, where I became BFFs with everyone in my carriage (I think I am now facebook friends with most of them) and ate a lot of food I couldn't identify.

Nasik is India's wine country, so it was a shame that I visited during one of the hindu festivals where consumption of alcohol is forbidden and the vineyards were shut.  Not to worry, as I had a marvellous time with my friends Paul and Claire, and their children (who think that it is normal for people to throng to take your photo when you go for a spin in your pushchair).  From June to September 2015 Nasik will host the Hindu festival Kumbh Mela, when everyone comes and jumps in the river.  To give you an idea of how many people are expected, on one day in 2013 Allahabad saw 30 million people turn up for a dip.  Given that Nasik station can fit around 600 travellers at a push on its platforms, Paul and Claire have quite sensibly now left town.

Bloody Mary time

The wedding ceremony.  Fascinating, but not such essential viewing after someone discovered that the bar was still open outside

At weddings in Udaipur, the groom wears an awesome turban and rides a horse while his friends dance up the street.  I suspect that this is not in fact true, but was done to amuse the locals.

I wonder if this gives you any kind of complex?

The Godavari River, definitely ready for 30 million bathers

These locals were very excited to find another white face